It's nice to be nice | Life and style

Publish date: 2021-03-26
Happy for lifeLife and style

It's nice to be nice

More empathy could make us healthier as well as happier. But how can we learn to put ourselves in others’ shoes?

“Be nice.” It’s simple, obvious advice, most memorably articulated by Patrick Swayze in Road House – but recently, it seems, people would rather not get their lifestyle tips from the world’s best (fictional) bouncer. Online harassment is on the rise, commuter rage is becoming a thing, and studies show a near-50% decline in empathy among US students in the past three decades. And this isn’t just a problem for the people on the receiving end: one systematic review suggests that the risk of a heart attack is significantly higher immediately following an angry outburst, while another recent study links high hostility to increased stroke risk.

So what’s the solution? Working on that empathy thing, perhaps. In one way, it’s never been easier to be empathic – to be aware of, understand, and even vicariously experience the thoughts of people from wildly different social backgrounds – thanks to a wealth of online resources. On the flip side, modern life is tough, and we’ve never had more distractions available that let us ignore other people.

Thankfully, recent research suggests that 98% of us have a hard-wired ability to be empathic – and that it’s also a habit you can cultivate and improve. And apart from making you better at everything from in-office leadership to hostage negotiation, developing the ability to see things from others’ perspectives can calm you down, cheer you up and possibly even save your life. Here’s brief guide to walking in someone else’s shoes.

Put your phone away

You’re never alone with a phone – but dulling the commute-anguish with Clash of Clans is a missed opportunity. Roman Krznaric, empathy researcher and author, suggests using public transport to “cultivate curiosity” about others’ lives, chatting to them whenever possible. Too much? David Foster Wallace’s 2005 commencement address to Kenyon College, which addresses the basics of empathising with SUV-drivers who cut you off in traffic, is more entry-level.

Remember you’re not that smart

It’s tempting, when you read about payday loans, or the obesity crisis, or other social problems partly related to bad decision-making, to go, “Oh, if only people could be more sensible” (subtext: “like me”). Two things here: firstly, remember the well-documented fact that your brain tends to remember your victories (and attribute them to skill) and downplay your failures (and blame them on bad luck). Secondly, consider that research by Harvard economist Sendhil Mullainathan suggests that a scarcity of resources (notably money or time) can lead to “tunnelling”, which focuses on immediate crises at the expense of long-term planning and decision-making. Next time you’re tempted to sneer at someone for grabbing a McRib, consider that maybe they don’t have the same cognitive bandwidth as you.

Listen better

There’s a bit in Fight Club when narrator Jack points out that, when people think you have a terminal disease, people tend to listen to you … “Instead of waiting for their turn to speak,” interrupts his nemesis, Marla Singer. Sounds familiar? Next time you find yourself in this sort of back-and-forth, force yourself to slow the conversation and consider what your opposite number’s saying, rather than waiting for the first opportunity to get your point across. Try to work out what you can learn from the points they’re making – and ask questions to understand them better.

Try someone else’s life

This is tougher: Krznaric, for instance, suggests trying a “God swap” – attending different religious services (or, if you’re an atheist, any religious services). Or look at George Orwell: until living among the dispossessed of east London for his book Down and Out in Paris and London, he thought of the homeless as “drunken scoundrels”.

No time for that sort of thing? An easier option is Krznaric’s online Empathy Library, a resource packed with user-rated books and films designed to encourage other views of the world.

Debate with knives

No, not like that. This version is a dinner-party technique suggested by “pragmatic practitioner” Dave Thomas, in which you debate one side of a topic and then the other, as dictated by the position of your knife on the table. Don’t go to many dinner parties? Try it solo – maybe by making a genuine effort to understand why, say, the person opposite you on the tube is reading the Daily Mail, rather than silently judging them. By this time, you’ll be ready to …

… Take it further

Empathising with an overworked barista or harassed broadband helpline operator is one thing, but what about actual “enemies” – or, if you don’t like the semantics there, people whose views or goals are diametrically opposed to yours? It’s still important to empathise with them, if only for self-interested reasons: if you’re an anti-climate change campaigner, understanding the motivations of energy companies is important, and if you’re trying to talk to anti-vaxxers, understanding their concerns will probably do more good than copy/pasting endless peer-reviewed studies at them. For advanced-level empathy practice, watch this TED talk by sociologist Sam Richards. And after that? Simple, just ask yourself one question: what would Swayze do?

Joel Snape runs the website livehard.co.uk

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